Yesterday, I was hit with the hard reality that there are some things I have absolutely no control over. There is no "positive thought", diffused essential oil, or Bible verse that brings understanding, clarity, or even peace in the situation.
There is absolutely nothing I can say or do to change the situation. There is no amount of guilt or convincing arguments I can lay on another person to change how they feel or respond. There is no amount of prayer that stops the tears. Countless discussions don't change anything. My own power and attempts don't change anything.
I. Can't. Control. Everything. In. My. Life.
I can't fix every problem.
I can't perfectly love others in the midst of their problems.
I can't understand why some allow certain problems to linger in their lives.
I can't understand why I allow some problems to linger in my life.
Life is messy. Relationships are messy. Loving others is messy. Vulnerability is messy.
I am messy. (and sometimes, a complete mess)
Sometimes, my prayers look a little bit like this: "God, I don't understand. I feel angry and upset. I feel hurt and confused. I feel alone and helpless. I feel powerless and scared. I am incapable of always looking at others and saying "in the midst of this, I love you." I am incapable of perfectly forgiving and giving grace to others (and myself). More than anything, I need You right now. More than anything, I need peace and a quiet mind. More than anything, I need my heart to be transformed by You. Only in You can I truly love and forgive. Only in You can I find peace when the answers aren't present. Only in You can other hearts and minds be transformed. I need faith that You are in control. I need a mind and heart that seek You above all things."
I am thankful that God meets me exactly where I'm at. I'm thankful that He wants to walk side by side with me instead of look down on me. I'm thankful that my vulnerability is met with peace and an overwhelming sense of being loved and cherished.
I hope and pray that during your struggles and difficult times, you find that too.